Jokes About Men & Women

You know that book Men are from Mars, Women from Venus? Well, here's a prime example of that. This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Lisa (last name deleted) and Dave (last name deleted)
First, the Assignment:
English 44A
California State University, Hayward
Creative Writing
Prof. Miller

In-class Assignment for Wednesday:
Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.

And now, the Assignment as submitted by Lisa & Dave:

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Lisa starts:
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.

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Dave:
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

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Lisa:
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth-when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

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Dave:
Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan.The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"

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Lisa:
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

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Dave:
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

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Lisa:
Asshole.

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Dave:
Bitch.

Male Bashing Trivia

What can a bird do that a man can't?
Whistle through his pecker.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop and ask for directions.

Why did God put men on Earth?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Why don't women have men's brains?
Because they don't have a penis to keep it in.

What do electronic trains and breasts have in common?
They are usually meant for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.

Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock.

How many men does it take to put hte toilet seat down?
Don't know, it hasn't happened yet.

Have you heard of hte lorena Bobbit computer virus?
It turns your hard drive into a 3 inch floppy.

THOUGHTS ON MARRIAGE

Getting married is very much like gong to a restaurant w/friends. You order what you want, then when you ses what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? The other replied.."Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

After a quarrel, a hubby said to his wife, "you know I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

A lady inserted an ad in the paper, "Husband wanted." Next day she rec'd a hundred letters. They all said the same thing. "you can have mine."

The bride upon her engagement went to her mom and said, "I've found a man just like daddy." Her mom replied, "So what do you want from me..Sympathy?"

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge, than to let her keep him.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

He replied "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."

Young Son: "Is it true, dad.....that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what true happiness was until I got married and then it was too late."

A woman was telling her friend..."It is I who made my husband a millionaire."

And what was he before you maried him? "A billionaire."

Just think if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out w/the boys on Wednesday nights and so does she.

During a spat over finances, the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid." The wife retorted, "Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

How do most men define marriage: An expensive way to get laundry done free.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Words to live by: Do not argue w/a spouse who is packing your parachute.

First guy (proudly) "My wife's an angel." Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive.

How to Impress a Woman/Man

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her'
...

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked.

Quiz - Are You A Guy ?

Write down your answers

1) Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
a. Present it to the president of the United States
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations
c. Take it apart

2) As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
a. Innocence
b. Idealism
c. Cherry bombs

3) When is it okay to kiss another male?
a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection wihtout regard for narrow-minded social conventions
b. When he is the pope (Not on the lips)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed

4) What about hugging another male?
a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneauver (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that (1) he is legally within the basepath, (2) both of you are wearing protective cups, and (3) you also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures

5) Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to......
a. remember the deceases and console his loved ones
b. reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life
c. tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer

6) In your opinion, the ideal pet is
a. A cat
b. A dog
c. A dog that eats cats

7) You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy - you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers - when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together, What do you say?
a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it
b. That although you also have stong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen

8) Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her
c. Tell her what?

9) One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
a. "Do they need to eat anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"

10) When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody - and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife - is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her

11) What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
a. He was being tested
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there
c. He refused to ask directions

12) What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
a. Deomcracy
b. Relgion
c. Remote Control

How to score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy would score at leasst 15, because he would get the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease AND cancer.

Men's Sex Life

It seems that when God was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was horrified "Only twenty years of normal sex life?" but the Lord was very adamant -that was all man could have.

Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But I don't need twenty years", he protested, "Ten is plenty for me." Man spoke up eagerly. "Can I have the other ten?" The monkey graciously agreed.

Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, "Can I have the other ten?" The lion said of course he could.

Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years-but like the others, ten was sufficient-and again man pleaded, "Can I have the other ten?"

Which explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it and ten years of making an ass of himself.

He Said, She Said.

TO MY DEAR WIFE,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do
3 time you said hurry up and get it over with,
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and
one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused.? Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc.on TV
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because: you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was ,"would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

Beer

It's a little known FACT, but BEER BELLYS are because the rib that GOD took from ADAM to make EVE is the one that was supposed to hold in man's stomach.

WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN WOMEN......
You can enjoy a BEER all month.
You don't have to wine and dine a BEER.
Your BEER will always wait patiently for you in the car.
A BEER doesn't get jealous when you grab another BEER.
When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up another BEER.
You can have a BEER in public.
A frigid BEER is a good BEER.
BEER looks the same in the morning
BEER doesn't have a mother.
BEER doesn't go crazy once a month.
BEER doesn't whine, it bubbles.
BEER is never overweight.
If you change BEERs, you don't have to pay alimony.
BEER doesn't need much closet space.
BEER doesn't mind football season.
A BEER will not insist that those Michelin commercials with babies are "cute".
If you mention a "350 cubic inch V8" around a BEER it won't think you're talking about an enormous can of vegtable juice.
A BEER will never buy a car with an automatic transmission.
A BEER is always ready to leave on time.
A BEER doesn't want you to hold it after you've finished.

HERE'S A QUICK QUIZ FOR THE "GENTLE"MEN....

1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

If you answered 'A' more than 7 times: check your pants to make sure you really are a man.
If you answered 'B' more than 7 times: check into therapy, you're still a little confused.
If you answered 'C' more than 7 times: call me up. Let's go drinking.

100 Reasons to be a Guy
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually all female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five-day vacation only requires 1 suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in job interviews.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the boards).
16. You don't have to lug a bag full of useful stuff everywhere you go.
17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean a toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship.
34. You don't have to shave below your neck.
35. None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
37. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a non-trivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be President. (In this lifetime.)
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
44. Flowers fix damn near everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90 percent of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry about what people will think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your house if the meter reader's coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if anyone notices your new haircut.
59. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking, 'He must be mad at me'.
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time!
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive on to another service station because this ones 'just too yucky'.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
69. Same work.... more pay!
70. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental; $75.
73. You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote control is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. ESPN's SportsCenter
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase, "Fuck it".
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't blister, cut or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There's always a game on somewhere.

And now the down side:
1. You have to take out the garbage.
2. The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.
3. No sofas in your restrooms.
4. External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.
5. Even if you get your head caught in an industrial woodchipper, you're not allowed to cry.
6. James Bond movies only come out every two years.
7. Ribbed for her pleasure, not yours.
8. You have to wear ties.
9. You can't flirt your way out of a jam.
10. "Women and children first"

12 Rules That Men Want in Writing!!!

If men were to rewrite the Rules:

Rule # 1
Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule # 2
If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Rule # 3
If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule # 4
It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule # 5
Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

Rule # 6
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

Rule # 7
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.

Rule # 8
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

Rule # 9
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

Rule # 10
Women who wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

Rule # 11
When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

Rule # 12
Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

Men and Women and What They Really Mean

A MAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A WOMAN IS REALLY SAYING:---------------------

CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.....
without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA'S FINE.....
you cheap slob!

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.

COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.....
just not in that way.

YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.

WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING:

I'M HUNGRY.
I'm hungry.

I'M SLEEPY.
I'm sleepy.

I'M TIRED.
I'm tired.

I'VE GOTTA PEE.
Get out of the way.

I'VE GOTTA GO.
Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.

CAN I CALL YOU SOMETIME?
I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

DO YOU WANT TO GO TO A MOVIE?
I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

CAN I TAKE YOU OUT TO DINNER?
I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

CAN I GET YOUR COAT?
I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

LET ME GET YOUR DOOR.
I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

MAY I HAVE THIS DANCE?
I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

NICE DRESS!
Nice cleavage!

YOU LOOK TENSE, LET ME GIVE YOU A MASSAGE.
I want to fondle you!

WHAT'S WRONG?
I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this.

WHAT'S WRONG?
What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

WHAT'S WRONG?
I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

I'M BORED.
Do you want to have sex?

I LOVE YOU.
Can we have sex now?

I LOVE YOU, TOO.OK,
I said it. We'd better have sex now!

GOOD MORNING.
That was great sex. Let's have more!

SEE YOU LATER.
That was great sex. Let's have more!

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
I liked it better before.

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
$50 and it doesn't look that much different!

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair!

LET'S TALK, HONEY.
I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.

Cultural Differences

There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:

* 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
* 2 French men and 1 French woman
* 2 German men and 1 German woman
* 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
* 2 English men and 1 English woman
* 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
* 2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
* 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere....

* The 1 Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman
* The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois"
* The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman
* The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them
* The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman
* The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the woman and started swimming.
* The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true nature of feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are low.
* The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture, cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting any...

11 Ways to Know If You Have PMS

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. Your using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving- call 1-800-***-****.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
11. Three little letters can send you into an uncontrollable rage and make you wish you owned an automatic weapon, the letters are, "M, E and N".

Ready or Not...

A typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules! Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether you're here or not."

Snappy Come-Back Lines

Man: Haven't we met before?
Woman: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.

Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason.
Woman: Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!

Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.

Man: I can tell that you want me.
Woman: Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you... to leave, that is.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I'd go through anything for you.
Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

Man: What's your sign?
Woman: "Exit".
Man: What if mine is "Proceed With Caution"?
Woman: Even though it is "Dead End Ahead"?

Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not Enter

Man: My name is Bond, James Bond.
Woman: My name is Lost, Get Lost.

Man: I hope to see you pretty soon.
Woman: What? You don't think I'm pretty now?

Man: I'm a lawyer, I have money.
Woman: I'm a teacher, I have class.

Man: Haven't I seen you some place before?
Woman: Yes. That's why I don't go there any more.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to your place. I'll go to mine.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit there.

Man: So, you wanna go back to my place?
Woman: I don't know. Can two people fit under a rock?

Man: So... what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
Woman: It's in the phone book.
Man: But I don't know your name.
Woman: It's in the phone book too.

Man: If I saw you naked I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing.

Man: How am I doing so far?
Woman: I like your approach. Now let's see your departure.

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: For the first half of it, I probably wasn't even born yet.

Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: What's your policy on returns?

Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

Man: You remind me of my sister.
Woman: What a coincidence. You remind me of MY sister.

Man: I want to take you out.
Woman: I wish I could have you taken out too.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: You're not like any of the people I usually hang out with.
Woman: That's because I belong to the human species.

Man: Do I remind you of a movie star?
Woman: Yes. Godzilla.

Man: I've been saving myself for you.
Woman: Your savings plan is earning no interest.

Man: If I take you home, I promise I'll use protection.
Woman: Oh. And just where can you get your hands on a bullet-proof vest at this hour?

Man: I promise I'll treat you like a Queen.
Woman: And I promise I'll treat you like a queen.

Man: You're gonna miss me if I leave.
Woman: Don't be so sure. My aim is pretty good.

Man: I have a place in Florida where I live all winter.
Woman: Thanks, but I've already been to Disney's "Animal Kingdom."

New Drugs for Men

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society....

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little accidents."

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorites store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Expecially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

Guy Slams

*Ten (10) things you will never hear from a man!
10. While I'm up, may I get anything for you?
9. I was wrong . . . you were right. I'm sorry I argued.
8. Her breasts are just too big!
7. Sometimes I just want to be held.
6. Why, I would LOVE to wear a condom!
5. We haven't been to the mall in ages. Let's go shopping so I can hold your purse!
4. Forget Monday Night Football! Let's watch "Little House on the Prairie."
3. I think we're lost. Let's pull over and ask for directions.
2. Men do drive and communicate poorly! That jerk didn't use his blinker!
1. I'm really sick, but fear not. I can fend for myself.

One day, God calls on Adam & says, "Adam, I have some good news and some bad news! The good news is that I gave you a penis and a brain. The bad news is that I only gave you enough blood to operate one organ at a time."

*Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.

What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" --- Linda Ellerbee

Facts About Men

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.
10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
16. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
23. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at golf. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
24. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem."Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
25. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super- heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
26. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
27. Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

ANNOUNCING Seminars for MEN!!!

Week 1
Course 001: Combating Stupidity
Course 002: You too can DO Housework
Course 003: PMS--Learn when to keep your mouth shut
Course 004: How to fill an ice tray
Course 005: WE DO NOT WANT--sleazy underthings for Christmas

Week 2
Course 006: Wonderful laundry techniques (Formerly-Don't wash my silks)
Course 007: Understanding females responses to coming home at 4:00am
Course 008: Parenting---It doesn't end at conception
Course 009: Get a life---Learn to COOK
Course 010: How to NOT act like an asshole when you are obviously wrong

Week 3
Course 011: Understanding your incompetence
Course 012: YOU--The Weaker Sex
Course 013: Reasons to Give Flowers
Course 014: Birthdays and Anniversaries ARE Important
Course 015: How to Stay AWAKE after SEX

Week 4
Course 016: SEX 102 (a)-You can fall asleep without it if you really try
Course 017: SEX 102 (b)-Morning Dilemma-if "IT'S" awake-take a cold shower
Course 018: The remote control---Overcoming dependency
Course 019: How not to act younger than your Children
Course 020: You too can be a Designated driver

Week 5
Course 021: Honest------You don't look like Mel Gibson, especially naked
Course 022: The Obtainable Goal----omitting the F---Word from your vocabulary
Course 023: Blanket Fluffing----not necessary after Farting
Course 024: Real Men ask for Directions
Course 025: Realizing that men and women are equal!

Please Register early as Courses are in Great Demand!!!
Class size must be limited to 10 as Course material will prove Difficult to MOST.

Pity us men.....

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a sissy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your but and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.

If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self defense.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're a fag.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.

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